Wednesday, February 18, 2009

The Ever Present Gob-Travesty

The origins of the Gobstopper, to most people may seem unworthy of scrutiny or investigation. The horrible truth is that the Gobstopper was not simply created as a long lasting candy for the sugar loving masses. 

 

In 1971, the Wonka candy company was facing increasing pressure from labor law groups who had been pressing for him to adopt more modern labor and wage practices. Recent riots and walkouts in the Italian and French candy industry brought the candy-labor problem to international attention.

 

Mr. Wonka, under pressure from his sugar/chocolate supplier Breaker Confections, was being forced to suppress the growing dissent among his rank of workers. At the time Mr. Wonka used Goblin labor almost exclusively in his candy factories. Breaker Confections, worried that the recent unrest in Europe would spill over into America and allow the Goblin laborers to unionize, insisted that Mr. Wonka fire all Goblin employees and hire a little known group of immigrants called the Oompa Loompa's. The Loompa's were a fringe ethnic group from southern Albania which Breaker Confections had been smuggling illegally into the country to work at their factories.

 

After being fired the Goblin workers did organize and started massive protests in front of all Wonka and Breaker factories. In 1972 the Wonka candy company, at the urging of Breakers CEO Gunter Slugworth, started an anti-goblin campaign seeking to marginalize the goblin protest groups and spread rumors to curb support for their pro-labor efforts.

 

The centerpiece of this campaign was the release of the Everlasting Gobbstopper. The candy along with the ad's for the candy portrayed goblins as greedy, self serving and seeking only to control the hard earned wealth of the American people. The anti-goblin campaign was a success, with the goblin protests being prohibited by state ordinances throughout the country. The Everlasting Gobbstopper became one of Wonka's best selling products, and their profits increased dramatically with the use of illegal Albanian Oompa labor.

Friday, February 6, 2009

Goblin Philanthropy

Well if it isn’t my favorite Goblin Investor, Bernard Madoff. Far have the goblin financiers fallen, and brought shame to the long legacy of honorable financial dealings between goblins and humans.

 

Just as a bonus, this famed financier decided to defraud his own goblin jew kind, his family of goblin Jews. As a goblin Jew myself I find this too be the most shameful action on the part of Mr. Madoff. It wasn’t as if goblin Jews weren't already hated enough, now you go and defraud funds that support Goblocaust survivors. Truly shameful. 

 

As a side note: Mr. Madoff's scheme was a ponzi scheme, named after Charles Ponzi, the greatest goblin swindler to ever live. It is not however pronounced pon-zai (like bon-zai) it is pronounced ponzi as in Fonzi. That is all, carry on. 

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Pre-Life

Oh what Goblin tales we weave, to frolic free and text all day. To travel these lands and photos to take, to check my mail, sports scores I receive; in this fee land I have my Pre.

 

Goblin fans, I write to you to discuss my disappointment and malaise over the delayed release of the Palm Pre. Goblins like myself find the current market of touch-screen phones are just not sufficient to meet human OR goblin needs. 

 

What freedom can we have when we can browse the internet with two flicks of our fingers, and yet are forced to type or messages into an unfamiliar and unresponsive "digital" keyboard.

 

I wait for the day of our salvation when Palm will finally release this freedom package, and rain down upon us updated graphics and a QWERTY keyboard.

 

God Bless